I have 2 papers that I’d like a mashup to make one. I want to keep the intoduction paragraph and I have to have those sources cited within the essay. Attached below are the two papers and I will post the teacher’s comments.
-TEACHERS COMMENTS FROM ORIGINAL (NOT THE UPDATED VERSION)
Thank you for submitting your paper. It’s well-researched and full of valuable historical details. However, there are several areas in which you could improve it. Let’s go through some of them: Your introduction is interesting but consider establishing your thesis statement clearly at the end of the first paragraph. You could rephrase it as: “This paper explores the history of racial discrimination within the Chicago Police Department and its long-lasting effects on Chicago’s black communities.” In your second paragraph, “Due to racism between the Italian Mob and black communities and the racism between law enforcement and black communities, the relationship between the two couldn’t thrive in ways that it could today.” This sentence is unclear. Maybe you meant to say: “The relationship between law enforcement and black communities couldn’t thrive due to the racial tension both with the Italian Mob and within law enforcement itself.” In the sentence, “In pursuance of a better relationship between law enforcement and predominately black communities, we must backtrack history and statistics to pinpoint specific issues that are no longer conducive to modern day issues.” Consider rephrasing for clarity: “To foster a better relationship between law enforcement and predominantly black communities, it is necessary to delve into history and statistics, identifying outdated practices that no longer serve today’s societal needs.” Be consistent with your internal citations. For example, when you reference Juan Juarez, you should include a parenthetical citation (Juarez, 2004) after the information. In the sentence, “To add insult to injury, Juarez wrote that book in year 2004, which is approximately 169 years of documented misuse of power, racial discrimination, and police brutality on predominately black communities.” the phrase “which is approximately 169 years of documented misuse” is confusing. Consider revising to: “Juarez’s book, published in 2004, discusses approximately 169 years of documented misuse of power, racial discrimination, and police brutality on predominantly black communities.” When you reference McCuistian’s research, again remember to include the date in your citation (McCuistian et al., 2022). Lastly, when you’re discussing solutions, try to provide more evidence or support for your points. For example, explain how etymology and law education can help reduce racial discrimination. Overall, you have a strong foundation for your paper. With these revisions, I believe your argument will be more clear and persuasive. Keep going!
– Lori Cameron